So, we got this in, fresh from the press.
Hope you enjoy it as much as we did …. 😀
NEWS, NEWS, NEWS!
For The Voice of Honolulu
by Chicky Merrygoat
As always, Alex is doing his best to be invisible, but I was able to corner him while he was buying some leeks and turnips at the Farmer’s Choicest Vegetables Shop in Pupukea.
But, by now, you all know me, Chicky Merrygoat as the tenacious journalist that I am. Once I am focused on my prey, I do not let go.
Lucky for me, Alex realized that if he wanted to get home on time to start cooking his Outer Mongolian stew, his best option was to accept to be interviewed there and then.
I guess he hoped that it would be a quick affair and that he would have time to purchase nutmeg, which he had forgotten but was vital for his stew.
Chicky Merrygoat: Hi Alex!
AOL: Hi Chicky!
CM: Long time no see! Where have you been hiding after your trip to Seattle? I tried to peek inside your garden, perched on the shoulders of my photographer to look over your fence, but could see nothing. Only greenery.
AOL: Ah yes… well… Our gardener is not coming because of the bug, and I let the garden grow into a jungle. It saves me a lot of work and it’s useful as an inviolable obstacle. Totally antipaparazzi, you see. I intensely dislike people taking and posting pictures of me without asking.
It’s really beautiful! I now have lots of palm trees, lianas, and giant ornamental weeds.
In a matter of weeks, I’ll be able to move Tarzan-like through my junglized garden with the Lianas. I also have colorful parrots and frenzied baboons and marmosets, and I’m toying with the idea of getting a crazy panther or two as additional protection.
You know… paparazzi can be so invasive… They have panthers available on Amazon, but only pink ones, and I like my panthers black, Bagheera-like.
I’m also thinking of training the parrots to screech ‘Buzz off or I’ll shoot you’ or possibly ‘Freeze or you’re a dead man!”. You can never be too careful. Oh, and I saw an interesting exotic pack on AliExpress, you know, one that contains 12 enraged mygales + 6 demented cobras. And it’s on special offer! So, I have a good mind to… well, I’ll see.
CM: So you really want to keep your privacy, don’t you? Well, thanks for the warning. I won’t gatecrash. And tell me, what did you do this morning before going to the market?
AOL: Well… Let me see… Oh yes, I had a shower.
CM: A shower! Well, that’s great news! So you have showers rather than baths?
AOL: An invigorating shower in the morning, with my face, turned upwards to let the water gently moisten my beautiful hazel-blue eyes, but a bath before bed. Hot water helps me a lot when my muscles hurt.
Only yesterday, my right leg was twisted around my neck and I couldn’t unroll it. Soaking in extremely hot water was the only way to get my legs parallel again.
CM: But why did you twist your leg around your neck in the first place?
AOL: Oh, it’s a common BJJ movement, you know. I do it all the time with no consequences. Except that yesterday I had my head elsewhere and I overdid it. BJJ can be strenuous, you know, and I practice a lot. Egan has planned a special training program for me next week, and it involves crossing both my feet on my nape while I whistle either ‘Strangers in the Night’ or Albinoni’s ‘Adagio in G Minor’.
My choice, Egan said. He cares for my musical peace of mind, you see, though I’d have chosen ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ myself, which I could have whistled as ‘Achy Breaky Legs’. In any case, he has explained to me it was an excellent exercise to simultaneously master breath control and strengthen abductors, so that’s it.
I don’t know how many gallons of scalding water I’ll need before I can sit again like a mammal, I mean with my feet on the ground, but if I want my black belt, well… whatever it takes.
CM: What kind of soap do you use. Any special brand? I am sure the fans would die to know.
AOL: Yes, of course! I use GI Body Wash. It’s part of the line of cosmetic products I am launching with my buddies at Trident. With the lockdown, Trident is not operating, and I couldn’t shoot that succulent, Oscar-winning role I was offered after Hawaii 5.0 came to an end, and we thought we had to do something to keep us busy.
CM: A line of cosmetic products! Now this is really exciting! When will they be commercialized?
AOL: They will be available online as soon as Beulah finishes creating our website. The problem is that we disagree about our corporate color. He favors a plain black, like the All Black, with the haka as a music background, but I much prefer an Indian ink black. I know, I know, you’ll say it’s the same, that black is black, but there you are wrong. There are many shades of black, as there are many shades of grey. And I’m adamant that my black must prevail, not his.
Firstly because I used to be a Lt. Commander and he a mere Corporal, and I strongly believe in hierarchy. Secondly, because I’m a stubborn Aussie and arguing with a stubborn Aussie is a waste of time, especially if it’s about the color black, and thirdly because he is unable to cook a decent Outer Mongolian stew, which disqualifies him as a color decision maker.
Beulah can have his haka music, but it will be my black or it will not be.
CM: And tell me, how many products do you have so far?
AOL: Well, besides the GI Body Wash, so far we have a man’s fragrance, Eau de SEAL for Him, whose scent is really virile, reminiscent of the smell of an unwashed tiger, the After-Mission Moisturizing Cream, and the Warrior’s Rest Night Balm. We are also developing our Private’s Sore Feet Lotion, and our Ultimate AOL Six-Pack Cream.
We have done extensive market research and this product will be a winner, I can tell you. It seems that that time I emerged from the Pacific wearing blue swim trunks made an unforgettable impact on ladies.
Many men have emerged from the ocean wearing blue swim trunks before and since then, but somehow, they have gone unnoticed.
We would like to sell the promise of that perfect SEAL-like image.
CM: Oh yes, I well remember that god-like appearance and…
Alex… Alex? What? What are you mumbling? Nutmeg?
Okay, I take the hint.
Thank you for your time and good luck with your new venture!
Hope we can do a follow-up soon …
AOL: Aloha, Chicky!